I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
