apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize