It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
