Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
