Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
