so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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