Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
