All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
