I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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