seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Randomize