I'm so fucking centered right now
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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