Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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