My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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