Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
