I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
