I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
