I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I AM VODKA MAN
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
