I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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