it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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