It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize