My liver just broke up with me...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
