Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
