I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize