pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
