no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
