gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
