im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
