Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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