all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize