I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
