Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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