Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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