You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
