You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
