nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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