Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
