I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
