I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
