There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
