I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize