Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You ruined the universe
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
