How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
