My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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