The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
