i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize