Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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