Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
