im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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