I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
