12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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