I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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