I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
