If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
