Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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