i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
