I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
