Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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