Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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