so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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