My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
