Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
