my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
