"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
