I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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