I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
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