Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so let's talk penis.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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