Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
